Cosmic Jokes :: Pt. 1

The Fates are the bitches I usually curse under my breath when ridiculous shit goes wrong. I'm convinced they sleep and work in shifts to assure optimal fuck-up-your-life and/or ha-ha-we-got-you.

Case in point: I am a huge fan of bumper stickers that say things like "Hang Up and Drive!" Maybe it's just me, but I fail to see the obsession with cell phones and the need to constantly use them as if there is a contest to see who can develop the largest tumor the quickest. Used to be you had to be home to be on the phone and if you weren't you had this thing called an answering machine that would pick up calls for you when you weren't around. Hell, used to be that even if you were home you would still let the machine pick up from time to time because you weren't in the mood to talk or were call-screening. I recall the time before cell phones where people complained about not having a handy phone ready for emergencies like being stranded on the side of the road and what have you but I don't remember anyone being in an uproar over not being able to run their mouths at any given time over any stupid thing.

I own a cell phone, which also acts as my house phone, but I can't say it really controls my life. I get infuriated when people go apeshit about someone not answering their phone as if everyone is supposed to be ready to talk just because the phone rang. I also become cranky when the phone rings, I don't answer (for whatever reason) and 2 seconds later it's ringing again. I don't appreciate having to come back to my cell phone and seeing 10 missed calls from the same person only to rush to call and ask what's wrong to hear an answer like, "You weren't answering your phone so I kept calling!" WHAT IS THAT? AND let me add that when businesses have to post signs that say "PLEASE END ALL CELL CONVERSATIONS BEFORE GOING TO CLERK" or whatever, cell phone usage is getting slightly out of hand. (These signs are usually next to other new signs telling people that only pets like seeing eye dogs are allowed in businesses. Pets are not accessories nor does everyone in the functioning world give a fuck if you have a cute little dog in a bag as you're shopping. Some people don't like pets, some people are allergic. Common sense and courtesy PLEASE COME BACK!)

Once again, I digress. I don't get the obsession with cell phones, anytime my cell rings while I'm driving I try to end the conversation as quickly as possible and usually answer by saying, "Hey, what's up? I'm driving." Many times I have been boxed in traffic by several jackasses running their mouths on cellular phones, I've sat at lights and watched hoardes of people drive by with phones to their ears (not even hands-free devices), and I've seen one-too-many bikers swearving insanely on a sidewalk almost landing in traffic because they, too, were on a cell phone. Nuts. However, none of this stops the fates from making me the asshole.

There I was, driving along, quite pissed at the situation I was just in with a certain ass-backwards cable company when the phone rings. I needed to vent so I picked up thinking who will notice when everyone is always on their damn phone anyway? Can I tell you how as soon as I picked up my phone everyone on the road apparently hung up theirs? Suddenly I was public enemy number 1. In the 3 minutes I was on the phone explaining to my significant other what had happened, I'm pissed and I gotta go because I'm driving, EVERY SINGLE driver on the road had targeted me as an annoying cell phone user. Naturally! Before I could blink I was being cut off on the right by people who were behind me and everyone in the other lanes were speeding up to pass me and give me dirty looks. Where are these wonderful people who hate talking & driving and respect the road when I'm out running my errands?

Sigh, an asshole like myself is always at odds with the rest of the world, the fates see to it adoringly.