I am in amazement at just how big of an asshole I really am...
As our empty little apartment complex fills up, so too do the parking spaces. I have had my car parked in the exact same spot for the past ten months and all day yesterday I had no errands (Okay, maybe I did but I didn't attend to them!) so I had no need to move it at all. As I stepped outside to get some fresh air I noticed a man standing near my car with his hands on the door. He also seems to be holding a piece of paper. Upon seeing myself and two others emerge from our apartment he drops the piece of paper and runs away. We all watch him talk smack to a friend, act tough and retrieve things from the trunk of his car. It's a new neighbor!
Once the man goes into his apartment, we make our way over to see what exactly that paper was. A note from our new neighbor! Hooray (*sarcasm alert*). It says:
"Welcome to the neighborhood (... riiiiight.) park your car in my space again and I will have it towed at your expiense. xxoo"
So apparently the maintenance man came to spray paint the spot my car was in as an assigned spot for someone else, never knocked on my door or left me a note. My car had been there for the past ten months and wasn't moved once so I didn't leave and come back and park in "his spot" after it was assigned. AND apparently my new neighbor is a dickless piece of shit who wants to leave threatening misspelled notes on my car to "welcome" me to the neighborhood when I've lived here for quite some time, yet does not even introduce himself or politely ask me to move my car although I was standing outside for about ten to fifteen minutes. Wow. How do I manage to be such an enormous asshole on a daily basis?
Welcome to the neighborhood indeed.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Thank you For That!
Four people live in this house. We get along for the most part... however life is never lacking any moronic drama! I often cannot fathom the relentless ridiculous bullshit that comes at me on a daily basis. Silly things that seem to be from another world, another dimension. I don't want to believe they are real because things like this should not be.
Take my roommates for example: there is never toilet paper on the holder. There will be toilet paper on the counter, floor, in packages, ON the holder but never, never hung up on the holder itself. It makes me feel insane. If I hang up the toilet paper myself it will run out and one will be placed on top of the empty roll. At no time is it replaced or the empty tube discarded. What does one do in this situation? Heaven knows that if I ask them to cease this unsanitary bullshit, I'm the asshole.
Take my roommates for example: there is never toilet paper on the holder. There will be toilet paper on the counter, floor, in packages, ON the holder but never, never hung up on the holder itself. It makes me feel insane. If I hang up the toilet paper myself it will run out and one will be placed on top of the empty roll. At no time is it replaced or the empty tube discarded. What does one do in this situation? Heaven knows that if I ask them to cease this unsanitary bullshit, I'm the asshole.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Cosmic Jokes :: Pt. 2
When we moved into this apartment complex things didn't seem so bad. However, as the fates will it, some time went by and annoyances like neighbors, loud car stereos and what not started popping up. Before we knew it trash was being thrown on us from above, people would park their cars at 3 a.m. and leave their headlights on (just in case the dark was bothering us while we slept) and groups of random men would collect in the parking lot. At any given time, afternoon & all night, we'd be surrounded by bunches of rowdy, loud drunks blasting their car stereos, chilling with a case of beer and using our enclosed dumpsters as private urinals. Later we even found out that alot of these people don't even live here and are in fact just hanging out so they might use our volley ball court as one would a public park. How lucky for us!
As we all know the fates would never rest at simply throwing little annoyances at us, now would they? As it is, smoking is not allowed in this home and one has to step outside if they wish to do so. This is pretty much the only time anyone in this apartment loiters, since we listen to music, drink our beer and keep our guests indoors.
Recently it seems the security guards are doing their jobs and have decided to clean up the parking lot and it's actually getting more quiet and more enjoyable to live here. So of course, it's time to make us the assholes!
A friend comes to visit, carrying a 12 pack. My significant other is outside having a cigarette. While they wait to finish up, our friend sets down the 12 pack and they lean against the door to enjoy smoking. As our (shitty) luck would have it, this is when the recently non-existant guard shows up. The guard makes a huge stink, demands they enter the home and develops the biggest hard-on for this apartment. No matter what time of day, drinks-in-hand or no, he makes double sure to pass by, slow down to watch us and make sure we aren't acting up anymore. Hooray!
Just goes to show you: never slip up, asshole!
As we all know the fates would never rest at simply throwing little annoyances at us, now would they? As it is, smoking is not allowed in this home and one has to step outside if they wish to do so. This is pretty much the only time anyone in this apartment loiters, since we listen to music, drink our beer and keep our guests indoors.
Recently it seems the security guards are doing their jobs and have decided to clean up the parking lot and it's actually getting more quiet and more enjoyable to live here. So of course, it's time to make us the assholes!
A friend comes to visit, carrying a 12 pack. My significant other is outside having a cigarette. While they wait to finish up, our friend sets down the 12 pack and they lean against the door to enjoy smoking. As our (shitty) luck would have it, this is when the recently non-existant guard shows up. The guard makes a huge stink, demands they enter the home and develops the biggest hard-on for this apartment. No matter what time of day, drinks-in-hand or no, he makes double sure to pass by, slow down to watch us and make sure we aren't acting up anymore. Hooray!
Just goes to show you: never slip up, asshole!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Cosmic Jokes :: Pt. 1
The Fates are the bitches I usually curse under my breath when ridiculous shit goes wrong. I'm convinced they sleep and work in shifts to assure optimal fuck-up-your-life and/or ha-ha-we-got-you.
Case in point: I am a huge fan of bumper stickers that say things like "Hang Up and Drive!" Maybe it's just me, but I fail to see the obsession with cell phones and the need to constantly use them as if there is a contest to see who can develop the largest tumor the quickest. Used to be you had to be home to be on the phone and if you weren't you had this thing called an answering machine that would pick up calls for you when you weren't around. Hell, used to be that even if you were home you would still let the machine pick up from time to time because you weren't in the mood to talk or were call-screening. I recall the time before cell phones where people complained about not having a handy phone ready for emergencies like being stranded on the side of the road and what have you but I don't remember anyone being in an uproar over not being able to run their mouths at any given time over any stupid thing.
I own a cell phone, which also acts as my house phone, but I can't say it really controls my life. I get infuriated when people go apeshit about someone not answering their phone as if everyone is supposed to be ready to talk just because the phone rang. I also become cranky when the phone rings, I don't answer (for whatever reason) and 2 seconds later it's ringing again. I don't appreciate having to come back to my cell phone and seeing 10 missed calls from the same person only to rush to call and ask what's wrong to hear an answer like, "You weren't answering your phone so I kept calling!" WHAT IS THAT? AND let me add that when businesses have to post signs that say "PLEASE END ALL CELL CONVERSATIONS BEFORE GOING TO CLERK" or whatever, cell phone usage is getting slightly out of hand. (These signs are usually next to other new signs telling people that only pets like seeing eye dogs are allowed in businesses. Pets are not accessories nor does everyone in the functioning world give a fuck if you have a cute little dog in a bag as you're shopping. Some people don't like pets, some people are allergic. Common sense and courtesy PLEASE COME BACK!)
Once again, I digress. I don't get the obsession with cell phones, anytime my cell rings while I'm driving I try to end the conversation as quickly as possible and usually answer by saying, "Hey, what's up? I'm driving." Many times I have been boxed in traffic by several jackasses running their mouths on cellular phones, I've sat at lights and watched hoardes of people drive by with phones to their ears (not even hands-free devices), and I've seen one-too-many bikers swearving insanely on a sidewalk almost landing in traffic because they, too, were on a cell phone. Nuts. However, none of this stops the fates from making me the asshole.
There I was, driving along, quite pissed at the situation I was just in with a certain ass-backwards cable company when the phone rings. I needed to vent so I picked up thinking who will notice when everyone is always on their damn phone anyway? Can I tell you how as soon as I picked up my phone everyone on the road apparently hung up theirs? Suddenly I was public enemy number 1. In the 3 minutes I was on the phone explaining to my significant other what had happened, I'm pissed and I gotta go because I'm driving, EVERY SINGLE driver on the road had targeted me as an annoying cell phone user. Naturally! Before I could blink I was being cut off on the right by people who were behind me and everyone in the other lanes were speeding up to pass me and give me dirty looks. Where are these wonderful people who hate talking & driving and respect the road when I'm out running my errands?
Sigh, an asshole like myself is always at odds with the rest of the world, the fates see to it adoringly.
Case in point: I am a huge fan of bumper stickers that say things like "Hang Up and Drive!" Maybe it's just me, but I fail to see the obsession with cell phones and the need to constantly use them as if there is a contest to see who can develop the largest tumor the quickest. Used to be you had to be home to be on the phone and if you weren't you had this thing called an answering machine that would pick up calls for you when you weren't around. Hell, used to be that even if you were home you would still let the machine pick up from time to time because you weren't in the mood to talk or were call-screening. I recall the time before cell phones where people complained about not having a handy phone ready for emergencies like being stranded on the side of the road and what have you but I don't remember anyone being in an uproar over not being able to run their mouths at any given time over any stupid thing.
I own a cell phone, which also acts as my house phone, but I can't say it really controls my life. I get infuriated when people go apeshit about someone not answering their phone as if everyone is supposed to be ready to talk just because the phone rang. I also become cranky when the phone rings, I don't answer (for whatever reason) and 2 seconds later it's ringing again. I don't appreciate having to come back to my cell phone and seeing 10 missed calls from the same person only to rush to call and ask what's wrong to hear an answer like, "You weren't answering your phone so I kept calling!" WHAT IS THAT? AND let me add that when businesses have to post signs that say "PLEASE END ALL CELL CONVERSATIONS BEFORE GOING TO CLERK" or whatever, cell phone usage is getting slightly out of hand. (These signs are usually next to other new signs telling people that only pets like seeing eye dogs are allowed in businesses. Pets are not accessories nor does everyone in the functioning world give a fuck if you have a cute little dog in a bag as you're shopping. Some people don't like pets, some people are allergic. Common sense and courtesy PLEASE COME BACK!)
Once again, I digress. I don't get the obsession with cell phones, anytime my cell rings while I'm driving I try to end the conversation as quickly as possible and usually answer by saying, "Hey, what's up? I'm driving." Many times I have been boxed in traffic by several jackasses running their mouths on cellular phones, I've sat at lights and watched hoardes of people drive by with phones to their ears (not even hands-free devices), and I've seen one-too-many bikers swearving insanely on a sidewalk almost landing in traffic because they, too, were on a cell phone. Nuts. However, none of this stops the fates from making me the asshole.
There I was, driving along, quite pissed at the situation I was just in with a certain ass-backwards cable company when the phone rings. I needed to vent so I picked up thinking who will notice when everyone is always on their damn phone anyway? Can I tell you how as soon as I picked up my phone everyone on the road apparently hung up theirs? Suddenly I was public enemy number 1. In the 3 minutes I was on the phone explaining to my significant other what had happened, I'm pissed and I gotta go because I'm driving, EVERY SINGLE driver on the road had targeted me as an annoying cell phone user. Naturally! Before I could blink I was being cut off on the right by people who were behind me and everyone in the other lanes were speeding up to pass me and give me dirty looks. Where are these wonderful people who hate talking & driving and respect the road when I'm out running my errands?
Sigh, an asshole like myself is always at odds with the rest of the world, the fates see to it adoringly.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Optional, Like Power Windows.
Beyond the point of being tried, getting peeved, becoming angry & bitching is a land known as straight whining. Today I am whining. What about? Turn signals and the people who REFUSE to use them. What IS that shit anyway? I am so sick of having to slam on my brakes or swerve into other cars because some jerk-fuck had a sudden hankerin' for a particular lane. Cut the fucking crap already.
There seem to be a huge amount of people who don't know what a turn signal is or what it's for. For those that don't know what I'm talking about : In all of our cars (usually) to the left of our steering wheels is a little lever that make these little lights in the back of our cars flash, letting the drivers behind us know where we are planning to go! Simple, eh? Now, when you are going to make a turn... guess what? YOU USE IT! When you're going to switch into another lane... guess again? YOU USE IT! See how easy that is? What a novel idea to let the other people on the road know where you're about to steer your huge mechanical vehicle! Do some cars not come with turn signals? Are they optional? Does everyone down here in FL walk into the dealership, find the car they like/can afford and decide they're gonna take air conditioning instead of turn signals? "You know what, fuck alerting my fellow drivers, it's hotter than hell! *yuck yuck yuck*"
I'm having difficulties understanding how it escapes the minds of my fellow drivers that driving is a privilege & we're all pretty much putting our lives in the hands of our skills and the other drivers on the road. It's bad enough people do stupid shit behind the wheel (I won't get into the many things about taking driving responsibly that I could; driving drunk, etc.), but when you can't do something as simple as let me know in what direction you're about to throw yourself I fear for the future of the safety of the road.
Did you know that in FL it's not required for you to have a learner's permit for a year to practice driving with a licensed driver?? When I found out this particular fact, alot of things (on the road) started making sense. Is it no wonder my Northern road rage has increased significantly since entering this Southern prison, just part of being a whiney asshole.
*Special thanks to my S.O. who always tries to ease my rage with a joke about optional car accessories.
There seem to be a huge amount of people who don't know what a turn signal is or what it's for. For those that don't know what I'm talking about : In all of our cars (usually) to the left of our steering wheels is a little lever that make these little lights in the back of our cars flash, letting the drivers behind us know where we are planning to go! Simple, eh? Now, when you are going to make a turn... guess what? YOU USE IT! When you're going to switch into another lane... guess again? YOU USE IT! See how easy that is? What a novel idea to let the other people on the road know where you're about to steer your huge mechanical vehicle! Do some cars not come with turn signals? Are they optional? Does everyone down here in FL walk into the dealership, find the car they like/can afford and decide they're gonna take air conditioning instead of turn signals? "You know what, fuck alerting my fellow drivers, it's hotter than hell! *yuck yuck yuck*"
I'm having difficulties understanding how it escapes the minds of my fellow drivers that driving is a privilege & we're all pretty much putting our lives in the hands of our skills and the other drivers on the road. It's bad enough people do stupid shit behind the wheel (I won't get into the many things about taking driving responsibly that I could; driving drunk, etc.), but when you can't do something as simple as let me know in what direction you're about to throw yourself I fear for the future of the safety of the road.
Did you know that in FL it's not required for you to have a learner's permit for a year to practice driving with a licensed driver?? When I found out this particular fact, alot of things (on the road) started making sense. Is it no wonder my Northern road rage has increased significantly since entering this Southern prison, just part of being a whiney asshole.
*Special thanks to my S.O. who always tries to ease my rage with a joke about optional car accessories.
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