Stupid Pet Owners & Unsolicited Advice

Dear lady across the street,

Yes, I know my puppy is hyper. SHE'S A PUPPY. THEY HAVE ENERGY. Hence the fucking reason I'm outside walking her in the first place -- to drain her of energy! Yes, I know she jumps. She's not being aggressive -- she just loves people a little too much. Yes, we're training her out of it -- and as with everything, it takes time. Puppies aren't born with the manners required to live with humans -- they need to be taught. No, I'm not paying fucking Petsmart to train her, because she's my sixth dog and I think I know what I'm doing by now. Obviously, because in the two months we've had her, she's crate-trained, house-broken, knows her basic obedience commands, is usually pretty good on a leash, has a good idea of what to chew on and what's off-limits (impressive for a teething puppy), and is learning not to bark unnecessarily. Oh yeah, and she IS showing progress with not jumping on people. Of course, you're not helping matters by petting her when she jumps. If you're such a fucking expert in dog training, you should know not to reward unwanted behavior with praise, i.e. petting. But what the fuck do I know.

Fuck you and PUT YOUR VICIOUS LITTLE PURSE DOG ON A LEASH PLEASE.

No love,
J.

P.S. No, prong collars are NOT cruel and in fact are very effective, humane training tools -- when used correctly. For the last friggin time, I know what I'm doing with my dog, so please SHUT IT.

Stupid Pet Owners - The First of an Ongoing Series

Say your two dogs get out of your fenced yard. Say they end up in your neighbor's yard, about a half-mile down the road. Say your neighbor is nice enough to go catch your dogs, leash them, check their tags for owner info, and call you to say that he has them. Your response would -- should -- be, "Thank you so much! I'll be over ASAP to get them!" Well, you'd be the asshole for thinking so.

Two dogs ended up in my parents' yard not that long ago. My father, after catching & leashing the dogs, contacted the owner, and instead of being grateful and rushing over to retrieve his beloved canines, he says this:

"I'm having a party at my house right now. I'll be over later tonight to get them."

Because obviously my father has nothing better to do than wait HOURS for this asshole to schedule the five minutes required for picking up his pets into his busy social calendar. One can hardly blame my father for telling the man that he had exactly a half-hour to pick up his dogs before the local SPCA was called. I guess an intolerance for true assholes runs in the family.